(To the tune of Blank Space by Taylor Swift)
Returning traveller, where you been?
You can show me incredible things
Red eye, sore knee, painful weeing
Saw you there and I thought
Oh my god, look at that face
Reiter’s triad with uveitis
Well-travelled clinic, welcome in
New discharge, NAAT positive signs
PCR’ll read you like a magazine
Ain’t it funny, rumours fly
But GUM clinic can solve your mystery
So hey, let’s be friends
We wanna see how this one ends
Grab your swab in your hand
We can get you answers before the weekend
It doesn’t need to be forever
You can get a one-stop shot
Of Azithromycin or
7-day Doxy course
Got a long list of ex-lovers
We’re not ju-udg-ing
So have safe sex and get STI screens
And live healthily
We treat people of all ages
and Axcess ain’t too far
If we need to refer you
for that rash that’s palmo-plantar
Got a long list of ex-lovers
We’re not ju-udg-ing
And Syphilis is very treatable
With Penicillin G
Lake Malawi, crystal skies
Bilharzia in the summer heat
Exposed skin, attracted cercariae
Oh my god, what a perfect host
Attach, tail-off and migrate
Lungs to blood then to gut
Wait the itch is yet to come (oh no)
TB, HIV, cytokine storms
IRIS can make all the tables turn
Para-doxical reactions with immune return
Keep you second guessing like
“Is this enlargement a reverse IRIS or have we missed the diagnosis?”
Thank goodness for LSTM expertise
Cause HIV’s Hickam’s dictum dressed like Occam’s razor
Hyperinfection all over
Larva currens erupting in flames
Beware steroid treatment
In Strongyloides with TBM
Got your long list of fresh waters
With white-water rafting insane
But you’ve now got Katayama fever
And acute Schisto is to blame
We treat people of all ages
Before your travels afar
Backpacking a malarious area?
ABCD is a star
You’ve got a long list of travel prophylaxis
It all seems insane
But come to Pembroke Place and then we’ll
Get you on that plane